Shh…. I didn’t really want to tell anyone.

2015 was a very hard year for me. It was full of pain and suffering. I’m extremely glad it’s over!

In November of 2014 I hurt my back. It got better (or so I thought). I tried to do some “normal” stuff, bad idea…

In February of 2015 my back was totally gone. I literally felt like I had been cut in half on a diagonal. I needed help to get out of bed and had to be held onto all the way to the bathroom. Trying to sit down on the toilet was excruciating, even with the help of another person. I was uncomfortable, miserable and in constant pain. When the bones got moved back into place, I started to heal. It took months, any wrong movement and I could feel myself coming apart again and the excruciating pain would return.

My family (mom, dad, brothers and cousins all live 3 – 5 hours away). My closest family member is a younger bother who just had a brand new baby. Morgan, our youngest son, was my help. He had to take on a huge amount of the farm chores and look after me. What an ironic flip, eh? As far as going to the bathroom, I would have to call my husband and ask him to come home from work to help me to the washroom. It would take him about 15 minutes to get home (several times a day).

I eventually was able to work up to standing, sitting or lying down for 20 minutes at a time, with discomfort. I say discomfort because I was glad not to be in the kind of pain that could almost and did almost make me pass out on several occasions.

At this point I still couldn’t make my own food. My husband, who has never had to do domestic chores, was learning how to go get groceries. He was becoming tired and cranky from being overworked. But he did it anyway. At the worst point, I had to send him out to get me food from a vegan restaurant that I new used mostly organic ingredients. As a side note: There’s a couple local raw establishment at our farmers market but only on the weekends (or so I thought) and it was 1 hour away.

I made sure to tell myself that I was still getting better daily! I used this same method when Morgan was small. I would say “I am thankful for” and I would feel something that I could be positive about. Like the fact that my toes and feet didn’t hurt when I walked or that I could lift my arms up to my chest without pain or put a cup with green juice to my lips. When my back or core was gone I couldn’t lift a cup off the table with an outstretched arm. I had to pull it close to my chest then slowly lift my hands and lower arms. My shoulders down to my elbows would have to remain as still as possible or I would feel these twinges in my back.

By May my husband told me I was babying it! I should try harder and do more! I got a little pissed. I think in his own way he was trying to be helpful and didn’t realize just how much pain I was really in. But I was going to take the time I needed to heal! For the first time in my life I was putting me first. I was number #1!

I was constantly on my computer while in bed. Learning all the new techie stuff I sucked at. It was the part of my business I struggled with the most. I also learned something else very important during that time last year. I learned I had been struggling with taking care of myself! I took care of everyone else’s stuff.  Not just from my own kids and husband but also the family’s cats, 2 dogs, 10 horses, a Farm and my raw food business, I home schooled my boys and did all the domestic chores. I even took on some of my friends stuff. And both my husband and I took on his parents stuff! No wonder I was stressed and my body gave out.

As a child I grew up very christian, not that thats a bad thing. It’s just that I was made to believe that doing anything for myself was selfish. I was taught to put others first no matter what the cost was to me, my body, mind or soul. I was told if I did things this way it would always workout for the best and god would be proud of me and I would get to go to heaven. Well, now I think that that’s all a bunch of horse shit. excuse my language.

Lying there in that bed having Morgan take care of me, I realized that I truly needed to resect all that god gave me! I needed to be and honour the goddess I am. I learned that being self-centred is not being selfish!

Because I literally couldn’t give anything to anyone for several months! I felt lost and Isolated. But for the first time I truly understood giving and receiving.  I’m ashamed to say this but I’m going to say it anyway…. the first time I was ever on an airplane. I heard the flight attendant say “if the masks drop make sure you put yours on first, then and only then apply your child’s”. I thought are the freak’en insane? Who in there right mind would choose themselves over their child. I turned to my husband and said “I’d never do that, their wrong!”  ~ And I felt self righteous in saying it. After all I was the mother who did almost died protecting her son. (but that’s another story). Anyway… laying there in that bed, I finally got it…  If I truly want to give AND I REALLY DO, it’s who I am. Then I first need to receive so that I have the energy and strength to give and to be able to give it all freely.

By June I had worked my way up to 3 hours. Which meant I could sit or stand for 3 hours before I had to go lay down for a couple of hours. But I was scared to go anywhere without my phone. I wouldn’t go to the bathroom, outside or even change rooms without it. It had to be within arms reach of me at all times. I was in chronic fear and anxiet of it happening again.

So my wonderful husband booked us a trip to Italy. Thinking it would inspire me and help me over the fear. After all I had flew all across North America by myself. Sometimes being gone for Months at a time. Yet here I was not even able to pee without my phone sitting right beside me.

I’ve wanted to go to Italy since I was 8 years old! That was a 35 year wait. We were to leave at the middle of August and be back the first week in September. Know I really had something to work for. I started walking around inside the horse arena even trying to put a little spring into my step and eventually doing a 6 or 7 foot slow jog. I was able to make more health foods and even get some of my raw foods back into my system again. I was feeling a lot better. But still had so much fear and anxiety. So, just as I tell all my clients, friends and family you can’t and should have to do it all by yourself. I began seeing my naturpathic doctor again and tried a chiropractor. But switched to an osteopath. This worked really well.

Around this time I started working with clients again and started shooting video’s. Sometimes I felt and looked really exhausted (you see that in some of the video’s) but I did it anyways. There were even days where I had to go and lay down in-between videos or during calls. But I was truly and honestly getting better everyday! And I was really really grateful. We did make the trip to Italy, I had to fly first class so that I could lay down the whole way and I spent more time in the hotel’s bed then out walking around. But I did get there and I did do it!

This year I will be sharing more of my recovery tips and what it is exacting that I’m doing to heal myself. So, that you can get it straight from the horses mouth so to speak. 

It’s funny sometimes we start listening to others instead of our selves. Yet, here I was at my worst, and where do I go? Back to what I knew without a doubt would work… I started running the same program on myself as I did for my son more then 11 years ago to get him healthy.  Below is a quick outline of what I did to get back on my feet pain and free most of the time. I still need to be able to sit for more then an hour at a time. Anyway here’s what I did….

  • First I worked with my energy
  • Then I ate organic foods mostly vegan (I allowed myself honey)
  • Stayed hydrated with raw drinks and tried to move as  much as I could.

I know it was working on my inner goddess and being self-centred that really helped. I’ve worked with goddess energy at different times over the past 20 years. I’ve found it’s always given me power and strength. It makes me feel whole, respectful and like I’m speaking my truth.  After all I grew up working with energy. My grandmother called it “laying on of hands”. We were’t allowed to speak of it outside of the family.

As far as the other steps go, They work when your body is at peace. No hocus locus, it’s simply a fact. Your body cannot digest food when your upset or stressed out.  The right foods power your body, and hydration is of the upmost importance after all we are made up of mostly liquids. Along with the other steps: sleep, movement, proper breathing and getting rid of toxins. Your body is able to heal.

I will be going into these steps in great detail in the up coming weeks so keep and eye on your inbox.

Ps. If you’ve read all the way to the bottom (here). Can you please leave me a note. I was really shy about opening up this much. Should I of written this article or not. What’s your thoughts? Anything you care to share?

4 comments on “Shh…. I didn’t really want to tell anyone.

  1. Yes, you should share this with as many people as possible. You are being truthful in a painfully honest way, and there are so many others who suffer as you do or have other disabilities that might be alleviated by what you are going through, your diet, and the reality that we are not superwoman. It is a tough lesson to learn and an equally difficult thing to bear when it comes to our own bodies. We are taught that relationships are about serving others, putting their needs before our own, but at the same time, the message that we often miss is to do it in balance. We have to love ourselves first and become the best we can be first, before we are able and strong enough to do for others. I hope that you will be able to fully recover from this and also to realize that your husband is probably one of the few men on the planet that could endure such a life-changing event with the patience and empathy that he did. Some men are just not strong enough to handle the tasks that the women seem to do so easily and almost mindlessly. I wish you health, peace, and strength for this new year!

    • Thanks so much Lorraine for your heart felt words. I really appreciate them. What you wrote about my husband brought tears to my eyes. It’s true not just for husbands, but for friends and family members as well. With Gratitude and many blessings, Thank you ~ LaFaye

  2. Yes we need more authentic brave women to share their stories .. we are programmed to paint a smile on come what may even when our hearts are breaking .. life is not always easy & we all know it .. we all have our difficult times but if we cannot share with each other our truths in the moment good bad or ugly what good are we as sisters or human beings for that matter .. we must support each other by allowing each other to be heard .. that in itself is healing for us all .. the teller & the listener. Well done !

    • Clara I feel your words will stand the test of time, as sage advice! I’m learning the more we share our truths the more walls comedown and the more we as woman can live in our true light and being. Helping those we truly wish to serve, whether it’s through listening or telling as you so authentically put it! Thank you so much for taking the time to reply Clara, Many blessings and gratitude ~ LaFaye

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